I have been postponing posting this for the last six months. I feared how friends and strangers would think of me, would it change the way they look at me? Will it make me more ashamed of my upbringing? Then today I reasoned that there might be other boys and girls out here who might benefit in some ways. What is there to lose anyway? I am already an adult.
2nd ,I am not writing this to elicit sympathy regarding my past circumstances nor justify my character and behaviour flaws. I am doing this to highlight something we should all be aware of or try to.
3rd, you will excuse my grammar, as I am writing this in the midst of other looming deadlines, hence no time to counter check. Anyway, I know this is a lame excuse.
My first attempt at a serious relationship was between 2009-2011. I got to know this beautiful girl, what people call a “light skin”. She had an amazing intellect to match. Many are the times we had stimulating intellectual intercourses that I now look back to with a knowing nostalgia. She was a bible-thumping girl, a member of the Repentance and Holiness ministries (of Dr. Owuor’s). I was, and I am still a member of SDA. But nothing could come between us. I thought she was the one despite the gnawing & background realization that we had totally different fundamental beliefs. You may have heard of “being equally yoked” and my church truly emphasizes on this.
There was a time she even started sharing bible verses on daily basis with me. I enjoyed them, fully because she was the one sharing them. I won’t have tolerated such from anyone else. I will spare you unnecessary details, as this is not the point of this post. Eventually we had a communication breakdown and she lost interest in our friendship. I have never known the real reasons. She became distant, and strangely enough, the more she ignored me, the stronger I felt attracted to her. The more I longed for her embrace and conversation. We eventually completely lost touch. It took months before I came into terms with what had happened. I was in my second year of studies, and it is the only year I escaped getting a supplementary (a fail) by a whisker.
Fast forward, few years later. Few more attempts at relationships. Failings. I became introspective and started examining all what had transpired. One thing ran through all the girls I was attracted to. They would eventually become distant, and they more they did, the stronger my attraction and desire would increase. I did not know the reasons why and I stayed dump founded for years. Being a reader, I had read tens of relationships books but none really helped my situation. As a Christian, I also prayed. Until I came across some psychology work that completely transformed the way I look at relationships and human behavior.
I discovered that all along, I was essentially trying to recreate my childhood circumstances and environment. I was still longing for my mother’s love and embrace that I should have had. Even though it was a negative experience, it was psychologically wired in my sub conscious brain. I was never close to my mother. I do not have any particular good memory of her. I just remember a few family outings and a few scolding. By the time I was three, she had left me to be raised by uncles, aunts, & grant parents. I cannot blame her, as she had to work. Until she could not. By age eight, I was orphaned. I will not attempt to recreate what happened next, as I would not want to re-live the grief in writing. It was the most traumatizing event of my existence and I have lived to reap its repercussions. It has affected the way I behave and interact with others .Thank God, there is redemption at last. I have come to terms with effects of childhood trauma and I can slowly reverse some of the effects.
Bereavement at an early age is one of the childhood traumas whose consequences can last for a lifetime. Other traumas include; sexual abuse, unavailable parents, abandonment, domestic violence. However, even if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a safe, nurturing environment, you may still bear invisible scars from childhood, because from the very moment you were born you were a complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs. Freud correctly labeled us “insatiable beings.” And no parents, no matter how devoted, are able to respond perfectly to all of these changing needs.
In the past, there was even a time I would look back on my early life and tell myself I was fortunate that I was orphaned. That it gave me the opportunity to be independent. To live with cousins and relatives and have no one overseeing my actions. That it gave me the opportunity to leave my place of birth (Machakos), to live with my relatives, where I got better education. This thinking had its own uses. I went through my childhood and adolescence numb to the pain of abandonment and loneliness. I saw myself as a “Lucky” person, not a poor orphan boy, and I wasted little time bemoaning my fate or those of others. I have taken challenges that seemed impossible and succeeded at most of them.
I can say there are moments I never had any feeling of sympathy towards others mourning loss of their loved ones. I would watch a relative cry over the death of their father or mother and feel nothing about it. I used to be cold and unsympathetic. I would think, “What’s the problem? I was orphaned when I was a little boy and I didn’t cry that much. Why are they being so emotional? It is hard to overcome this. I even never used to find any warmth in embraces or hugs.
I stopped asking what was wrong with my behaviour and started being curious about what had happened to me. What was my story? Who am I? What was I trying tell /show people? What is the world like from my eyes? And from those of others.
Until we start asking ourselves these questions, the world will remain an unfriendly place. We will remain judgmental and hopeless about our circumstances.
Concisely, childhood experiences influence our adulthood experiences, whether pleasant or negative. Enough has been said and written about this. How we dress, spent money, relate, work, etc. has a lot to do with our early childhood programming and impressions. Of course, the situation is not hopeless as there is a lot that can be done to remedy the effects.
Bessel van der Kolk says, “The parent-child connection is the most powerful mental health intervention known to mankind.”
Even relationships and marriage can be affected. Again,
Dr .Harville Hendrix says, “A child’s success at feeling both distinct from and connected to its mother has a profound impact on all later relationships. If the child is fortunate, he will be able to make clear distinctions between himself and other people but still feel connected to them; he will have fluid boundaries that he can open or close at will. A child who has painful experiences early in life will either feel cut off from those around him or will attempt to fuse with them, not knowing where he leaves off and others begin. This lack of firm boundaries will be a recurring problem in marriage.”
Further,
“Many people have a hard time accepting the idea that they have searched for partners who resembled their caretakers. On a conscious level, they were looking for people with only positive traits—people who were, among other things, kind, loving, good-looking, intelligent, and creative. In fact, if they had an unhappy childhood, they may have deliberately searched for people who were radically different from their caretakers. They told themselves, “I’ll never marry a drunkard like my father,” or “There’s no way I’m going to marry a tyrant like my mother.” But, no matter what their conscious intentions, most people are attracted to mates who have their caretakers’ positive and negative traits, and, typically, the negative traits are more influential.”
“Why do negative traits have such an appeal? If people chose mates on a logical basis, they would look for partners who compensated for their parents’ inadequacies, rather than duplicated them. If your parents wounded you by being unreliable, for example, the sensible course of action would be to marry a dependable person, someone who would help you overcome your fear of abandonment. If your parents wounded you by being overprotective, the practical solution would be to look for someone who allowed you plenty of psychic space so that you could overcome your fear of absorption. The part of your brain that directed your search for a mate, however, was not your logical, orderly new brain; it was your time-locked, myopic old brain.”
“At some point in their love relationships, most people discover that something about their partners awakens strong memories of childhood pain. Sometimes the parallels are obvious. A young woman with abusive parents, for example, may discover a violent streak in her boyfriend. A man with alcoholic parents may wake up to find himself married to an incipient alcoholic or drug addict. A woman who grew up in a contorted Oedipal relationship with her parents may be enraged to discover that her partner is having a secret affair.”
We all started out life whole and vital, eager for life’s adventures, but we had a perilous pilgrimage through childhood. To one degree or another, we were all we were all wounded by our caretakers’ intrusiveness or neglect.
You may have grown up feeling emotionally abandoned because your parents always pushed you away when you came running for their comfort. “Go away, I’m busy.” “Go play with your toys.” “Stop clinging to me!” The parents would shout. You must ask yourself how this may have influenced your behavior and choices in adulthood.
Why is there so much crime, violence, divorce, emotional and physical abuse in our society? Why do people turn out to be thieves, criminals, smugglers, haters?
Childhood trauma is real. Many children are at risk. We cannot hide our heads in the sand, as it will come to haunt our children and us. What can we do?
Start examining yourself. Start putting yourself in other people’s shoes and looking at situations using their perspectives.
You know a bereaved child. Attend to her/him. Offer emotional support and material support if you can. Let them know that the world is a friendly place and they are not alone.
If you are a Christian, heed the call of James,
He says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”(James 1:27). Truly, James must have known what he was talking about. I am glad I became a member a member of my current church when I was still very young. I comfort in their fellowship. I found mother and father figures who helped guide me in many life issues. I am eternally grateful.
If you are victim, start seeking counsels and pray. If capable, see a good therapist. Seek a community that will help you recover.
Break the silence about childhood trauma. Childhood trauma can affect health across a lifetime.
Finally,
Even in the midst of their hurt, poverty and tragedy, I believe God is always present for the world’s vulnerable children, with His enduring, immeasurable love and compassion.
Again,
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8: 28)
Two books that may really help:
- The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker
- Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix
Interesting articles to read;
4 Ways That Childhood Trauma Impacts Adults
The Effects of Childhood Trauma
7 Psychological Impacts of Surviving Childhood Trauma
The emerging, devastating evidence that childhood trauma could affect the next generation
